My letter to Kids (of all sizes)

Read on if you are an Infant

Kids - Finally, I’ve decided to be brave and tell you what I really wanted to, but never could. But before all that, I truly acknowledge the fact that you are innocent, cute and all that. But why, why in god’s name do you cry? See that kind of rhymes (why cry?), hope it keeps your ever changing attention span here for a bit long.

Now, I don’t mind if you cry or whine at a decibel level that matches your size and I clearly wouldn’t care if you cry anytime but for my sleeping time and I wouldn’t give a damn if you whine at anyplace but for the train I am traveling in. Please don’t whine in my train (trying my best to get it rhyming kiddy)

Nevertheless, I have to be a little fair to you and I would tell you why. Because I was a kid like you once, I sometimes recollect those wonderful times as young and stupid. And on this note I would give you some advice – Don’t Cry. Period.

Read below if you’re a kid under seven, little ones you can get back to sleep.

Kids – you guys are cute. I like watching you on Youtube, you know the ones where you weep while you’re brother toddler bites your finger. But please don’t call me Uncle, because we are not ready for that yet! And I probably wouldn’t mind if you just call me that and leave, but please don’t ask me to resolve your plastic ball plastic bat cricket issues. Again, I still wouldn’t have taken it to heart if all of this stopped there, because we all know that the ‘I am not ready while he was bowling’ is a bad excuse to get bowled, but for heaven’s sake why should I go talk to his parents and get you his bat, that he took along all pissed, so that you can continue playing?

Read here if you’re above seven, others play time’s over

Kids – I understand you’re all smart whiz kids. But there is a reason why these social networking websites wouldn’t let you register and login. It’s called free iPod, obviously it’s not but that did buy me some time to keep your attention from the other 10 tabs and 12 IM windows open right now. As always, I don’t have any kind of problem with you just registering on these websites, but why do you add me in your network just because you happened to be my neighbor or my second cousin or my second cousin’s neighbor. Now, I might sometimes end up accepting your invitation hoping it would stop you from pestering me, but why in this world would you send me your Twitter page link, do you really think I enjoy knowing that your math hme wrk scks! even if I was lucky enough to decode through your ttyls, rotflmao, ctc et cetera?

I call the Making of King Khan,...first!!

I don't know how many of you have seen the Who Made Huckabee? stunt pulled off by the finest 3 talk show hosts ever. It was the best they could do without their wirters during the Writers guild strike last year.

Last week Jon on his Daily show did a piece on Shah Rukh Khan and his much hyped racial profiling case. I am not sure how famous Khan is in U.S, he might be pretty well known among NRIs especially those among them who like watching extremely mushy "love triangle" kind of movies.

But, Jon has given him something like a Colbert bump and Khan definitely got some promotion for his new movie. So before any one calls the making of King Khan, I call the making of Jon Stewart making of Khan before Jon himself calls it. Case Closed!!

This is actually a short dream I had few days back (with little exaggerations). These stupid reality shows are getting on my nerves, I realize. I was the host, by the way

Host – Welcome to the mother of all reality shows!! So, you four have made it to the point where only four have made it to, each year in the last 10 seasons we had in the last 3 years on this particular broadcast network. And, I want to congratulate you all for that. You fought hard and definitely deserve to be here and I must warn you that only one of you (pauses to gasp a deep loud breathe)... Only one (with a special inflection on one) of you will get to the podium.
(Looks into the lens of camera) so are you nervous, let the show begin!!

We see four participants standing next to one another – two girls, one guy and a guy monkey (who is naked, by the way)

Host – so participants or from now onwards as my script demands me to call you finalists. Finalists! Do you think you can win this?
Participant 1 – I am a girl and I am good. So ya
Participant 2 – I am a guy and I am good too. So yes
Participant3- I am a girl too and I am good too. So why not?
Participant4 – Beats his chest with both hands frantically and shouts (or growls or whatever that monkeys seem to do now a days)
Host – So before we move to the next round, (moves his gaze from camera 1 to camera 2 while the respective cameramen follows his gaze and zooms in with an swoosh sound) you girl finalists must choose a guy partner and I want you to be referencing your co-finalists by what they are (guy monkey, guy guy); as calling some one a monkey even if it's a monkey can be racist and would boost our ratings.

The economy talk - Monologue

Much has been talked about the economy of late. In fact, small talk and economy talk have become synonymous. I don’t think about the economy much, but there was a point of time when people kept telling it was overheated; to me it is just over stated. Here is a list of buzz words I kept hearing during these talks and how I comprehend them ..

Globalization – I hate globalization, not because it gave us economic downturn or the pandemic flu but it gave me the job I right now have.

Investment Banks – Well, to me they are like dinosaurs. They were huge and all that, but one fine day a big catastrophe struck and they are extinct now. My friend says it’s all a big con they are just lying low and would come back once the economy is in good shape. Seriously!! The dinosaurs are coming back??

Interest Rates – Lot of people kept telling me RBI is cutting rates and they are going to do it more et cetera. In fact, I heard FED has cut the rates so low that it’s almost free to borrow from them now. And I was thinking to myself, I should add them to 'my best friends' list.

Madoff – They told me he was this white-collar guy a big fraud, now in jail. I really don’t understand this kind of punishment where you bring a guy working in office and put him in jail; it’s like just giving him a bigger cubicle.

Recession- They said the experts were always talking about it and predicting how it would be, but no one was sure until it actually happened. I say, you don’t have to be an expert, in college every one used to talk a lot about it and predict how it would be . . . oh wait, that was not recession.

Wall Street – It seems there was this huge bloodbath on Wall Street and most people caught in it would like to get back to a time when there was no bloodbath – or even Wall Street.

My experiments with culinary delights - Part I

We all, by now, would have stumbled upon the latest buzzword 'gastrosexual'. The word to me sounds more like some kind of infection and a word that would definitely make a prude's jaws drop. Anyhow, on the lines of hetro and metrosexual, this word was coined to recognize the class of males who like to cook. Men have always grown a certain penchant towards cooking and being one (I mean man!) I would like to believe that this has got something to do with the overuse of knife.

If you are just out of college and trying to be independent, self-cooking is an important part of the process or it can be that you are just too damn bored in life. It can also be a good method for cutting cost if you are good at it, or else, take it from me you will end paying for all the burnt marks on the wall. So, all the Investment bankers and Madoff investors and investment bankers invested in Madoff's; don't jump the gun at the word cost cutting and burn your fingers (this time literally!).

Now, my acquaintance with cooking can only be compared to Sarah Palin's familiarity with foreign affairs (not that I see Russia from my kitchen). But the eternal desperate search for killing the 24 hours a day god gave us, if you believe in one, being done by the media or rather all that is done by the media, made them stumble upon this new attempt to make cooking look cool. So, my affair with cookery started after watching one of those chef led shows which made the art of cooking look not just attractive but easy to learn. If I think of it now, that show was more like one of those stupid mountain dew action packed ads without the statutory warning 'Following stunt was performed by experts and should not be imitated without proper guidance'.

So, one fine week I’ve decided to make my debut and an hour before the show on TV, I ran to the nearest shop I can run to, and asked for onions, eggs and all the basic ingredients. The shopkeeper was awe struck when I calculated 20+12+3 faster than his jumbo sized fingers could type on the poor tiny calculator; with a sense of pride, we all usually obtain after outpacing the mathematically challenged shopwalas, I made my way back on time.

I was all prepared and the movie preceding the cook show was nearing its dramatic end, it was one of those mushy poor guy rich girl love types and where the bald daddy writes a blank check asking the, insanely indigent yet heavily built, protagonist to walk out of his, extremely hot and so dumb, daughter’s life. And to everyone’s utter surprise, like defying the laws of gravity, the poor dude always rejects the one bail out that could get him out of all possible troubles (like dowry, heart operation and now a day’s tampered balance sheets).Anyhow, getting back to the show and cooking, which we seem to have digressed from,

…. Hopefully will be continued. .

colbertica

Tonight!!! .. India leaves its footprints on Moon;
Oh boy! Didn’t we get a better place to forget things.
Hi, I am your host and I was born on April 1st the day everyone gets fooled. Twenty two years back, the same day, my dad got a fool.
My name is Satya Uday Kiran V; they say every bullet has a name written on it, I guess mine has to be pretty long.
Welcome to the show!!! ..

little updates

"So, what's the difference??" - tutor guy
"What are your dreams? and what are goals? "
"Is marriage a dream?" as he heard some one from behind say marriage and giggle.
"No, it's a nightmare! "came a quick reply from the crowd that I was a part of. The whole class burst into laughter waking me up from a nice comfy nap. Don't we all love those naps in the last row of an extremely boring lecture by an equally dull dullard.

Not a pleasant feeling to listen to one of those boring business communication lectures, especially the day after a late night show of an incredibly mushy movie which has three good looking damsels to keep one awake. (Extreme pervs often see pun here)
The tutor kept going "okay you at the back, what is the difference?" , pointing towards me.

Now, I was in total consensus with Seinfeld when he said ‘All these super heroes e.t.c are not fantasies for we men, they are options’ or something like that. I always think of myself as a superhero with special powers, my ability is invisibility and not the crappy hollowman kind. It has never happened in my entire life that a professor pointed to me and said ‘hey you! Yes you, tell me the answer for this’, trust me. Again total consensus with Spiderman’s uncle when he said 'with great power comes great responsibility’ or something like that , it has not even once happened in my entire life that I raised my hand in the middle of a class asking for a doubt or something, not even once.
Getting back to the tutor and the lecture, I was more than shocked when he kept pointing to me shouting ‘You! You! You!, what is the difference, give me your opinion’. I felt the same way Peter Benjamin Parker felt in one of those sequels when he lost his powers; he at least got to wear that stupid outfit. Anyhow, it is very difficult to not get noticed when you are in a classroom in the northern part of India where everyone else other than you is dressed up like Salman Khan’s look alike and you are left looking like a big fan of Rajnikant. (no offence to any one, please don't burn my house)
The tutor kept going ‘do you have a dream?’ I nodded back, the kind of nod that wouldn’t reveal a strict yes or no leaving room for ambiguity. But the tutor dude kept repeating the same question obviously looking for a more prolix reply.
Now, I hope every one of you would have seen that typical Bollywood scene where the poor protagonist was so smitten that he starts seeing ‘the damsel’ in every one including his grand pa. Finally, this utterly gross and idiotic scene started making sense to me when I started seeing not just one but all the three damsels from the previous night’s show instead of my tutor asking my ‘Do you? Do you? ‘.
For a moment I felt like going down on my knees and shout: yes I do! Luckily I didn’t, that would have been more embarrassing than what happened last week when I asked the bartender for Jack Daniels on rocks and he bent forward with a frown and whispered 'Are you sure?'

India unplugged ??

http://www.nytimes.com/2008/10/13/world/asia/13india.html?pagewanted=1&_r=1&hp

Article in NYtimes which sums up our politcal & economic state.